Published on Monday March 5th , 2007
by Lindsay O'Conner
Dear working-stiffs of the world,
I see you sitting listlessly, slumped back in your office chair with your foot violently twitching as if it was begging to be liberated from your work-appropriate, closed-toed loafer. You stare blankly at the florescent lights, praying for blindness as the phone begins to crassly ring and you think, “No more customer calls. Morons, they are all morons!” But no - it is your idiot boss callously calling you on the intercom to appear in his office at once.
You slowly rise from your cube/cave, wipe the drivel from the corner of your mouth, and attempt to look awake. You enter into your boss’s plush, sun-kissed suite. And then he informs you that you are to work overtime tonight and through the rest of the week…and that you may need to work on the weekend.
Internally, you revolt, gnash your teeth, flip him off, and run around hysterically mad and flustered. But externally, you agree. After all, you are but a weary worker, an office monkey, dancing to the grind of the office organ.
But remember: it could always be worse.
Take solace in this one truth: the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, sometimes it is brown, a little smelly, with feces strewn across the ‘scape.
Trust me on this one; you’re very lucky to have your job. I assure you that you will find some joy in your daily drudge after reading below. Without further adieu, here are 101 Jobs to make you appreciate your own more.
1-Locksmith: Sure you get to pick locks, but what if those locks are to handcuffs wrapped around your mother and father’s bed post?
2-Greeter at Wal-Mart: You would be ignored, shunned, or possibly spit on. Spit is hard to get out of a blue, canvas vest.
3-Cage cleaner at the zoo: Two words: Elephant dung.
4-Restaurant Health Inspector: After you discover your favorite restaurant has roaches in the restroom, how do you cope?
5-Traffic Cop: No one likes a traffic cop. If you don’t enjoy being accosted by angry motorists, this is not for you.
6-Elevator maintenance man: Should something go wrong on the 10th floor while working, your number is up.
7- Chuck E Cheese Employee: See number 11.
8-Bikini Waxer: Unless you’re a sadist, bikini waxing is a woman’s worst nightmare: A woman with a hot pot of wax and a kung-fu grip.
9-Hospital Cleaner/Disinfector: Staph infections are on the rise. Please pass the airborne.
10-Witch or Warlock Assistant: Bats blood and eye of newt are hard to get out of linen.
11-Day Care Worker: You would be inundated with brats with snot and moistness on their grubby little hands! Sure, children are cute...cute until you catch an obscure illness every other week.
12-British Bobbi: English law enforcement can not brandish or carry firearms. But what if a criminal does?
13-Brittany Spears’ Publicist: You are working over time these days.
14-Military Medic: Oh, the things you will see!
15-Restaurant Cook: You don’t even get to eat the food!
16-Slaughterhouse Employee: You would come home every night looking like a mass-murder suspect.
17-Maid: Let’s face it, people are slobs. Unless you enjoy scrubbing toilets and getting hit on by the home owner as he lives out his maid fantasy, perhaps you should stick with your current job.
18-High School Guidance Councilor: Not only would you have to sit through sessions with confused high school kids reeking of reefer, but you would have to deal with over zealous parents. High school sucked; don’t go back to the memories.
19-Terrorist Negotiators: There are only so many things you can provide a terrorist in exchange for the hostages. After all, Girl Scout cookies only come out once a year.
20-Flatulence Analyst: What’s to analyze? What the flatuatee had for breakfast?
21-Barnyard Masturbator: Read that slowly, let the images drip through your little brain. No details are needed for this job other than to mention that horses kick at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour.
22-Mosquito Researcher: Bring a mighty big can of Raid and hope they find a vaccine for West Nile Virus.
23-Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Model Fitter: Just kidding!
24-Carcass Cleaner: Road-kill isn’t appetizing.
25-Highway Patrol: It is dangerous work, and you’re likely to be accosted by an angry guy late for work. No better way to start the day than by pissing someone off.
26-Roofer: One wrong step and bye-bye.
27-Sewer Diver in Mexico City: You would be submerged in a toxic brew of garbage, bacteria, excrement, dead animals—even the occasional murder victim.
28-Porno Theater Janitor: yeah...
29-Exorcist: Spinning heads, green vomit, demonic possessions, and it’s only Tuesday.
30-Embalmer: CSI is just a television show. Working with dead bodies is not glamorous.
31-Airport Security Scanner: So, a prominent political figure has women’s bondage clothing adorned with sharp metal studs in his carry-on luggage. Do you just let this one slide or…?
32-Crime Scene Investigator: See number 30.
33- Grocery Store Sample Giver: You are deli-tray police. There is nothing more unofficial than that.
34-Bomb Expert: "…was it the blue or the red one that detona-BAM"
35- Sanitation Consultant: I can think of a few better things to do on a Wednesday afternoon than crawling into a hole to look for the septic leak.
36-Plumber: Tampons are the number one reason why toilets are clogged in the U.S. The number two reason is…well…
37-Stuntman/woman: Guts without the glory and $$ of the “leading men and women.”
38-Disneyworld Mascot: If you like being punched or kicked in the crotch by people less than 4 foot 11 inches, perhaps you would enjoy this. Besides, why would you want to role-play under a hot sun without a “happy ending” anyway?
39-Magician’s Assistant: What if the saw slips?
40- Fear Factor Intern: Well someone has to try out the bull testicle soup before the contestants do. What if it’s not salty enough?
41-Rent-a-Cop: This is a job with zero respect or authority. You would garner more power as deli-tray cop (see number 33).
42-Dog Walker: That’s a lot of poop to pick up in one day.
43-Gas Station Attendant: Enjoy the fume-high.
44-Personal trainer: You can’t even motivate yourself to run everyday, much-less a stubborn Twinkie-connoisseur.
45-24 Hour Convenience Store Clerk: Inevitably, you will be held up at gun point. On the bright side, you may end up on cops.
46- Band Camp Councilor: In the hot sun you will stand, waving your arms to and fro in the rhythm of Vivaldi or Frescobaldi. Mosquitoes and bees will swarm over head as you march in formations with an instrument in hand. Never have summers been such a drag.
47-Manager of a rock band: In some cases, this may be a great job. But historically, bands and managers brawl over small potatoes like not having enough groupies on the bus. You might enjoy this job if you like dragging drunken rock stars to the toilet as they get a second taste of dinner and Jagermister. But hey, it’s a living.
48-Rat Killer on the Streets of Bombay: Ew.
49-Drug Runner or Heroine Mule: There’s a 95 percent chance that stuff is going where the sun don’t shine, buddy.
50-Garbage Collector: Garbage collectors are exposed to all sorts of toxic cocktails of scents and smells.
51-Mime: No one likes mimes. You will be loathed, perhaps even hunted.
52-Candy Striper: Do candy stripers even exist anymore?
53-Water Boy: You’re a water boy – not a water man.
54-Towel Boy: Wedgies, noogies, and derogatory name-calling would be an every day occurrence for you.
55-Roadie for the Rolling Stones: I hear Keith Richards has been dead for 20 years….
56-Bar Waitress: Imagine drunk, stinky guys professing their love for you while groping your assets, not to mention the crappy tips. This job is the pits.
57-Lawyer: You would be hated, across the board.
58- Executioner: Does it ever become routine? “Different day, different killing...”
59-Bovine Brander: Did I mention horses AND cows kick at 100 miles per hour?
60-Oyster Shucker: Nightly, cats will follow you home.
61-Chimney Sweeper: Lung cancer is just a pay check or two away.
62-Cat Food Quality Tester: I hear a taste test is mandatory
63-Steward/Stewardess: In the event of an emergency, you are required to remain calm and provide vomit bags. That is, of course, if a passenger doesn’t first brandish a weapon or bomb.
64-Mail Man/Mail Woman: How fast can you run from dogs?
65-Rodeo Clown: No one likes clowns -especially not bulls.
66-Urine Collector for Drug Tests: A visit from you can cost someone their job.
67-Body Guard for a Rap Artist: Wear a bullet proof vest.
68-Lounge Singer: Burt Bacarach has this one covered.
69-Driving Instructor: Teen-agers with lead foot-syndrome can spell disaster.
70-Lunch-lady: Well, this might not be too bad, so long as you don’t lose your dentures in the mashed ‘taters.
71-Wise Guy in the Mob: One slip of the lip and you will be sleeping with the fishies.
72-Boxing/MMA Sparing Partner: You are wrestled to the ground, punched in the face, and choked out for a living.
73-CEO of Philip Morris: You spend your days scheming on how to back-peddle the fact that your company has been selling cancer for 70 years.
74-Gravedigger: Don’t dig in the wrong spot...you may get an unpleasant surprise.
75-Lab Animal Incinerator: Sometimes, the animals aren’t dead before you throw them into a burning kiln.
76-Circus Freak: Even though you have an extra toe on your left foot, getting peanuts thrown at your head on a daily basis may become demoralizing.
77-Landfill Monitor: I would hate to be the one who discovers the dead body rolled-up in the carpet.
78-Dysentery stool sample analyzer: There just aren’t enough plastic gloves in the world…
79-“Hot Zone” Investigator: So, a disease or virus is spreading through a community, let’s say something like Ebola. And you’re the guy or gal who gets to waltz in and check everything out. Wash your hands when you’re done.
80-Isolation Chamber Tester: I doubt you get to take a book in with you.
81-Sports Mascot: No matter who is winning or losing, you’re the first guy on the field to be spit on.
82-Fiber Glass Factory Worker: Nothing will salve the sting of fiber glass in your lungs.
83-Prison Rape Researcher: Um, yikes!
84-Corpse Flower Grower: These ugly, stinky things are no treat to fertilize.
85-Astronaut: There is a high risk for shuttle explosion and alien abduction. Those probes go where?
86-Fish Counter: Getting the smell out of your hair could take years. You may live alone for a long time.
87-Poultry Processor: Yuck.
88-Sewing Machine Operator: Watch those fingers.
89-Laundry Worker: Hot towels? Big machines? Static electricity? This is a perfect recipe for third degree burns.
90-Street Prostitute: Come rain, come shine, come sleet, come snow, no matter the weather, the public depends on your services.
91-Gastroenterologist: Someone is coming to you because they have a problem with this region of their body, and usually it isn’t pretty.
92-Crop Duster Pilot: Chemicals are the danger of this job.
93-Working as anything for Donald Trump: You’re fired!
94-Toll Collector: If you are not good at mental money math, this might be particularly difficult.
95-Crab Fisherman: There is a reason why this is considered the world’s most dangerous profession: because it is!
96- Prison guard at Rikers Island: You are only among a handful of other boys and girls in blue among a few thousand dangerous men. You may need therapy upon retirement. That is if you live to see retirement.
97-Whittler: Unless you are very good with very sharp objects, leave this one up to the pros.
98- Personal Assistant for Michael Jackson: You may want to resign after the fifth, 2:00 am request for his Peter Pan tights to be hand washed in the tears of young children.
99- Script Writer for the Gilmore Girls: The show is incredibly estrogen-based. You may need daily hormone shots just to be a candidate.
100- Podiatrist: "Grandpa has a hard time bending over these days to cut his toe nails and a strange, cheese-like odor is emanating from below his ankles. And we decided to have you take a look….."
101-DMV Employee: Inherently, you are loathed, despised, and a little feared. You would hate yourself.
Now, get back to work!
